Category Archives: Humor

Applebees Promotional Crap

I was at Ocala Florida Applebees this past weekend, only because I was with a relative in which Applebees provided a comfortable and consistent dining experience.

I’m not going to argue with the elderly, or attempt to force Thai Fusion local cuisine on someone who prefers coffee and quesadillas.

After we settling in I had to put this tower of promotional garbage under the table. I’m all for checking out the specials, but this was lording over our table like the Jolly Green Giant, preventing me from enjoying all of the other crap-tacular kitch scattered about the room.

Here’s just some of what I missed out on.

Giant Free Sangria
Applebees Touch Tunes be my own DJ
Tomato Ketchup. (I kept this)
1/2 Price Aps, not applicable to my visit.
$10 off my next meal. (not applicable, as I wasn’t planning a “Next Meal”

Personal Fitness Roundup

I received some new skis for Christmas. I recently took them down to Sports Authority at 10th and Broadway (formerly the Gart’s Sports Castle) to get some bindings installed. And guess what happened? I got the deal of a lifetime. Jason in the tech shop managed to track down some new clearance bindings (a year or two old) for TWELVE dollars. These originally sold for just over $200. Unbelievable – I thanked him and his boss for going the extra mile for me.

With this savings bonanza I purchased some new boots, which I needed anyway because my vintage mid-90s Koflachs were so worn down the shop guys wouldn’t even mount them. I had some time to kill while they were finishing the tune-up, so I meandered around the fitness section.

I don’t profess to be a personal trainer, but I hit the gym a few times a week. It keeps me energetic, healthy, and with my bike commute (nine miles each way,) its a perfect balance between weight maintenance and cardio.

I get a kick out of fitness infomercials, but never paid attention to how much garbage is available for retail sale too. Much of it is overpriced, and only targets one specific exercise or body part.

What I would and would not purchase. Here we go:

This angry man punching bag sells for $199. Next to it is a standard punching bag for $99. $100 to punch the rubbery form of a human? You can print out a photo of your hated one for free and glue it on – savings of $100. I don’t have anyone in life that I hate, so I would probably print out my latest 401k statement and tack it up.

These medieval looking ab getups (above right) are $199 and $279 respectively. I’ve seen these in dumpsters three months after Christmas. They don’t even look comfortable as camping chairs.

These weights (below left,) are adjustable, and cost $300. They are actually pretty ingenious, as you can swiftly switch and lock between different weights, and they take up far less space than a full rack. However these hexagonal ones are only .50 a pound. And you really only need a group within your range. i.e. I mostly use 25 – 50 lb weights. So I’d have no use for a five or 200 pound weight.

I have no idea what the difference between a “pilates mat” and a regular mat is, except that a pilates mat retails for $26.

These benches (above right) are a good deal. They’re sturdy, simple and perfect for doing upper body exercise, and the $119 one is adjustable for crunches and gives back support while doing arms and shoulders. This one (below left) is even better at $119, which includes a barbell bar. That’s a good deal, and an solid piece of equipment that serves multiple uses.

Not a good deal? Some sort of balance ball (below right) for $119. Doing calve raises on a street curb is free.

Whatever tubular contraption this is (below left) costs $900. Unless you’re just going for sheer bulk you can get a BETTER workout with the bench and free weights. Why? By when using free weights your body is forced to maintain its balance, thus giving a better workout of the targeted area (i.e. shoulders, triceps, etc.) (This isn’t my opinion, it’s repeated all over.)

Ok, so the other gear is actual equipment, even if high priced. But I’m appalled Sports Authority would even sell the “Slendertone” ab shocker. (above right.) This is one of the hilarious devices people wear (in infomercials,) around their house while watering plants or watching TV. They promise rock hard abs without moving a muscle. (Because the jolts of electricity move the muscles for you.) Yeah right.

Speaking of moving, now that it’s snowing today I need to finally get up to the slopes and test out my new skis. And boots, and bindings…

Related posts:
Christmas at Target
Big Americans Pizza

Alcon Opti-Free is TSA Compliant

I noticed this bright orange banner atop Alcon’s “Opti-Free” contact lens solution. The package reads “Carry on Size, TSA Compliant.”

First, I should hope that any contact lens solution would be carry on size. I don’t believe they have or ever will sell contact lens solution in keg size.

Second, I glanced down at the bottom and saw that this bottle is “4 ounces.” Now the TSA is currently in the process of restructuring their liquid carry on restrictions, but as of now and for the past few years its always been UNDER three ounces.

That makes me wonder how a 4 ounce bottle can be “TSA Compliant?”

Alcon’s site has a paragraph lifted from the TSA site stating “if its a medical necessity and over three ounces you MUST (capitalized,) declare it to the screener.

Apparently if you volunteer the fact you have a four ounce bottle, and REQUEST a bag search – then you will be allowed to carry this through. Why on earth would anyone REQUEST an additional screening over ONE ounce?

No one gets into trouble for “not volunteering” their medical supplies. I’m type 1 diabetic who travels with insulin, syringes, and testing supplies. I’ve had my bag inspected many times AFTER getting x-rayed, but I would find it quite “Ned Flanders-ish” to request an inspection in advance. I guess Alcon thinks you should.

The logical solution to this non-issue, and Alcon’s gimmicky marketing: Just throw it in your bag and “carry on” as usual.


Someone sent me this number and told me to dial it.  I did, and have been calling it every morning for a week.  Googling the number led to this post at Challenged Confessions, answering my curiousity: Its the daily recorded menu of the Schumpert Hospital Cafeteria in Shreveport, Lousiana. 

In addition to great sounding southern food and a listing of the “Inspiration Station” salad bar rotation, the person recording, (perhaps the chef,) also gives an uplifting aphorism or Bible verse.

How does grilled tilapia with almonds sound?  Or red beans and sausage – maybe southern fried chicken…  Call this number anytime you’re desiring a taste of the south. If anyone is in Shreveport please go visit this place for me.

I made an MP3 of today’s menu:

Christmas at Target

If you haven’t completed your Christmas shopping yet there’s still plenty of gift opportunities available at your local Target!

Today I visited the location in Mission Viejo, California. I didn’t even have to scrape the upper half of the barrel to find these phenomenal gems. Perfect for under the tree or as stocking stuffers…

Let’s get started…

A huge selection of third rate software. Hello Geek Squad! From $19.99

A category five hurricane shaped candle holder. Hypnotize your next dinner party!

Gillette razor and shaving gel set. Includes three golf balls for some reason.

Oh yes lots more…

Continue reading Christmas at Target

Maps for Us

I’ve been happily exploring Maps For Us today. Do you love maps, charts, and diagrams of, well, everything? Of course you do. And so do I. Who doesn’t like to hunker down at the library on a rainy Saturday afternoon poring through old maps. Now expanding on my thrilling hobby, the site maps travel places like coffee houses in Amsterdam, various underground and metro lines, and other cityscape related maps. But what makes them fun in such a dry way is their serious documentation of such obscure charts as “Map of Halcyon Masonic Lodge No. 498 in Cleveland,” or “Neo-Copernican Map of Chronological Cosmology

Check them out at There’s more maps than you can shake a rolled up map at!

Pictured below: “Map of the Evergreen State Fair – Monroe, WA” and “Birding Hotspots of Guatemala”