When my co-worker of five years Todd said he was headed to Boston’s Gourmet Pizza for lunch and offered to share his gift card I thought “Uh oh, a possibly enjoyable change in my rigid schedule”. Todd, myself, and Miles, (my other co-worker of five years), piled into Mile’s car and drove to Highlands Ranch, Colorado. Once again props to Miles for driving, since Todd has a two seat truck and I ride my bike to work.

A Denver suburb sporting arterials the width rivers and seemingly unreachable scenic vistas, Highlands Ranch has all the originality and character of a church basement board room. I realize it’s passe to bash the ‘burbs, but when I leave my urban utopia downtown I’m still baffled at the way other people live. The endless sea of parking lots housing the big box stores that repeat themselves every ten miles. The landscape is a mirage with oversize bright letters thrown up on the tan and yellow boxes, and the mountains in the background tease you, reminding you that someone is out there hiking or kayaking while you’re trying to park. I’ll take a homeless guy with a bottle near my 7-11 over bored latchkey teenagers any day. Which do you think is more dangerous? So milk is a dollar more at the small independent market? I’m happy to pay it.

Boston’s was sandwiched between a Rock Bottom Brewery, Village Inn, and several other chain restaurants. Since the staff and us were the only living entities inside, it was obvious this Boston’s was there to serve the role of “evening place for the family”, rather than “bustling mid day place for lunch”.

Most chain restaurants are easy to figure out, hence their success and return customers. How else can the outskirts of cities have eight to ten restaurants in a row, all with the same red neon stripe around the building? Everyone knows what to expect in these safe environments. No unknowns and no surprises. With only a few U-turns one can experience “Friday”, the “Outback” Chicago”, or Applebees, the place deserving slight poser kudos to for attempting to appear an “independent neighborhood bar”.

Walking inside Boston’s I was confused! I wasn’t comforted, nor did I feel safe like I should. I couldn’t figure out if I was in the Rainforest, a Shrimp Boat, an Italian Villa, or a factory manufacturing Cheesecakes or Spaghetti. Boston’s contained no references to Boston, except for the bathroom door two baseball bats used for handles on the restrooms. An odd mix of movie memorabilia and old photos, I just couldn’t figure it out.

We perused the two foot tall oversize menus and decided to share a pizza. Our appetizer was the sampler, or “deep fried everything” A hefty plate of cheese stips, potatoes and onion rings filled us up. Like the decor, a lot of content, but nothing stood out. Our chicken pizza was a chicken pizza. Chicken, thin crust, and a rubbery tasting crust. A completely acceptable and average lunch. A completely mediocre, unremarkable dining experience.

At this franchise I got the impression that the festivities didn’t pick up until late evening. When Dad arrives home from work at 7pm, right after Mom sobers up and picks the kids up from soccer, and no ones wants to cook. “Hey, let’s go out to eat for the fifth time this week!” With clients like these, why even bother with appearances? A lemon made it’s home under an empty table during the entire length of our stay. A chair was missing it’s upholstery on the rear side, exposing the wooden back and screws. Our waitress seemed new, was competent, and well kept, but she just added to the dull image much like all the other surroundings.

Thus lies the problem with a restaurant completely controlled by a corporation and focus grouped to perfection: Any discrepancy in the perfect image put forth by management becomes glaringly obvious is such a controlled environment. A rickety chair in a downtown diner with a peeling paint job and sketchy clientele gives character. In a chain restaurant it’s points off your review. Or at least off my review.

Upon returning to work I was curious to learn more, so I visited Boston’s Pizza online at http://www.bostonsgourmet.com

Here’s what I learned. Boston’s Pizza was found by two guys named Jim and George. A pizza joint by Jim and George? You’re thinkin’ two wild and crazy sports nuts from back east ready to expand their rough n’ tumble bar from it’s origins in Beantown. Nope. These guys look like they could do wonders with my mutual fund, but I wouldn’t let them near my pizza. Which probably explains the taste. Jim Treliving use to work for the Royal Canadian Mounted Polices, and George Melville oversees the Central Hockey League, and Fountain Tire. Car tires I’m guessing. Highly respectbul careers, but no pizza qualifications, other than marketing the generic decor and expanding this tripe.

Here’s more from their site:

Our distinct, signature architectural design and decor sets us apart in the category: from our unique wrap around patio to the vibrant colorful interior, along with our unique sports bar decor, we make the environment alluring to everyone. Boston’s curb appeal energizes the senses in an open, spacious atmosphere. Guests are excited by the ambiance before they ever open the menu!” “a unique building architecture that stands out from all other concepts in the category. It’s inviting … it’s unique … it’s a one-of-a-kind! Highly readable signage, wrap-around patio and inviting architectural lines create a superior presence at first glance

A Boston’s The Gourmet Pizza features many unique traits that set it apart from other local dining venues, with two distinct experiences under one roof. An upbeat casual dining atmosphere that’s perfect for individuals, families, teams and groups of all ages. Boston’s also has an exciting and lively sports themed bar which features flat screen plasma TV’s to showcase sports and special events, and is decorated with local sports memorabliia which brings out the fan in everybody.

Tolerable? Yes, Exciting. No. This picture looks like it was just plunked down by a tornado. Oh and that beautiful field in the background will be a tanning salon in a few months.

Not to nit pick but it’s “AT Boston’s”. Anyway I didn’t see any local sports memorabilia at this Boston’s. Oh and they spelled memorabliia wrong too. I never experienced these “two unique zones”. Although the restrooms were clean and well stocked.

Boston’s The Gourmet Pizza offers an unparallelled team, all enabled with impressive restaurant and investment experience. To learn more on how you can profit from the experience and be part of one of the most successful franchise opportunities in North America please contact our Managing Director of Franchise Development today.”

Another spelling error: Three Ls, not four. Yes I know it’s banal, but if you’re striving for perfect, why ignore the copy? The Quiznos near my house does 100 times the business per capita this places does. At least judging by the crickets I heard.

Also, why is a chain named “Boston’s” headquartered in Dallas? I guess the Outback Steakhouse isn’t headquartered in Canberra.

After the rainstorm… Luckily everyone inside had a car, as it’s impossible to walk there.

Photos courtesy of Boston’s web site at www.bostonsgourmet.com