This definitely qualifies as “funny photo of the week.”  Which is not currently a feature on this blog nor planning to be one anytime soon.  

This pleasant neighborhood park is located in Grandville, Michigan, just southwest of Grand Rapids.   Along the path I found this well constructed blue sign which conveys much agreed upon advice of consuming liquids when during periods of high activity.

Staying hydrated certainly is good advice when walking, running, biking, rollerblading, or any other ing.  However I found it humorous that such warnings are necessary on this trail, which consists of a simple half mile loop around a small lake.  Furthermore the park is surrounded by houses on two sides.  So hypothetically if you DID become severely dehydrated you could stumble into someone’s walkout basement gasping for water.   Or most likely someone grilling in their backyard would see you raggedly dressed wandering half-delusionally about and call in the medivacs. 

There is also a Starbucks across the street.

But wait - one more comparison:  if you check out this map you’ll see that Heritage Park, on the left, is (sadly)  just barely one fourth the size of the nearby mall’s footprint.  Perhaps this sign should be relocated to the Rivertown Crossings Shopping Center?   In my experience its MORE difficult to stay hydrated at the mall, since the food court vendors will only give you a thimble size cup of water if asked.

In any case - stay hydrated…

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I didn’t have time over the weekend to cook and prepare my weekday lunches of chicken and rice as I do most Sundays.   And since I’ll be heading to Amsterdam this week hence trying to conserve money to accommodate the painful dollar/euro conversion rate.   Now at 1.52 to 1 I believe.

So I grabbed a couple “Banquet” brand TV dinners from my grocer’s freezer.  After mindlessly staring at the microwave for 70 seconds I examined the packaging before pitching it.   At the lower left side, above “KEEP FROZEN” and “COOK THOUROUGLY” is the small disclaimer “SERVING SUGGESTION - ENLARGED TO SHOW QUALITY”

Enlarged to show quality?  Really ConAgra foods, it isn’t necessary.   For 99 cents I don’t need want a close up.

While quickly scanning for a photo I came across Sunny and 70s.    A site by artist Jennifer Mazur documenting and detailing all things 70s.  Check her work out at sunnyand70s.com

Enjoy her site.  While I enjoy, or at least consume, my salisbury steak.

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How much crap can you stuff into one letter size envelope?  AAA Insurance attempts the world record… 

I have no problem with Triple A.  I’m not an insurance expert, but my parents and extended family have used them for years, and I was a member at some point in the past also.  As far as I know Triple A, (or is it AAA?) has a long and reputable history.  I can’t remember a family vacation without a trusty “Triptik” and motel discount book stuffed in the console of our wood paneled station wagon.

But I questioned this mess that arrived at my office last Friday from AAA Colorado (located at Colorado and Arkansas, just a hop from the Bulgarian Market.)  I receive plenty of junk mail.  Comcast, Xcel Energy, Qwest, and local menus from around the neighborhood are no stranger to my mailbox.  But this one gets the 5 star AAA award for most wasteful.  It would seem AAA doesn’t think a simple letter stating, “Hey how about joining AAA, we can save you some bucks,” will net an adequate response. I understand them wanting to create an incentive or call to action, but this is just overkill.  So grab your knife and let’s dissect it!

Top Center: A four page newsletter addressed to “member-elect” from “Rod Manuel,” summarizing via bullet points and pre-printed blue “highlighting” the full benefits of AAA membership. Ok - I can handle a letter stating they’re great for trips, travel, and roadside assistance, but the following ancillary enclosures start to look frightfully desperate.

Top Left: Actual “insurance cards” with a membership number and my name, good until February 15. The back states “AAA provides services and privileges with the exception of bail bonds.” I’m guessing they’re avoiding DUIs here.

ok - so this is a REAL AAA card good until the February 15th? I can actually USE it for roadside services?  But is this real INSURANCE covering comprehensive and liability? I doubt that if I totaled a BMW this would actually be accepted as insurance.

Middle Right: A 6″ x 6″ “personal” note from Rod telling me that he is delighted to include me in this offer. “It’s quite amazing!” writes Rod.

Bottom Center: As if Rod’s personal note doesn’t get me frothing, also included is a letter from member “John Ziegler.” This correspondence is angled to appear as if it’s been hastily slammed onto the copy machine in a mad rush to get this package out to me.  John’s letter to AAA states “days after mailing in my application, I locked my keys in my car.” He states he used his temporary card from AAA. Actual quote: “Thanks SO MUCH for mailing me the application.” I guess this answers my above question about use of cards.

Top Right: A glossy quick start guide for new members detailing benefits.  (As if anyone over 25 doesn’t know you can throw AAA around for car rental and motel discounts.)  Through even more bullet points and photos I’m shown stranded motorists receiving rapid assistance, a happy guy on a road trip, and couples and families dining and shopping with glee, all thanks to AAA.

Bottom Right: A dangerously shiny AAA rectangular sticker to be displayed on car.  At the proper angle this could be reflect the sun and blind pilots.

Left Center: Business reply envelope. “RUSH!!! Registration enclosed”

Bottom Left: The envelope in which these shenanigans arrived in- misleadingly marked “Membership Registration Enclosed.”

Whew! There you have it. Normally something like this would make a beeline for the dumpster and not even merit a second glance, but I found it utterly astounding at just how much stuff was jammed inside. 

Now - these temporary membership cards:  I examined the fine print, which states “If you USE your card you will be billed for services should you fail to send in the premium by deadline.”   I supposed that’s fair, but to play the manipulative consumer I COULD use my cards and just not pay.  I didn’t sign a contract with them.  They sent ME a service card to use.  It’s similar to the “Cash this check for $10 and you’ll be enrolled in…”  that credit card companies mail.  But what’s different here is that they have no way of charging me - All they have is my name and address.

Perhaps I should USE my temporary membership card and try to help a stranded motorist in the next month.  I’d like to make SOMETHING positive happen from all this waste.  If I can use my card to be a good Samaritan then I’ll win, a stranger wins, and AAA?   We’ll, maybe they’ll learn to be less wasteful.

By James Van Dellen

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If you haven’t completed your Christmas shopping yet there’s still plenty of gift opportunities available at your local Target!

Today I visited the location in Mission Viejo, California. I didn’t even have to scrape the upper half of the barrel to find these phenomenal gems. Perfect for under the tree or as stocking stuffers…

Let’s get started…

A huge selection of third rate software. Hello Geek Squad! From $19.99

A category five hurricane shaped candle holder. Hypnotize your next dinner party!

Gillette razor and shaving gel set. Includes three golf balls for some reason.

Oh yes lots more…

(more…)

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I recently read a post on this hilarious concept in the Lonely Planet U.S. travel board. Usually the majority of posts about Texas spiral into rambling diatribes on how Texas either sucks or is the greatest place on earth. But this article by Andrea Grimes of the Dallas Observer gives a fresh look into a certain demographic and lifestyle of young Dallas residents. “The $30,000 Millionaires” explores the culture and motives of those who live a life that is mostly for show, while spending an astonishing amount of money above what they earn.

Read her entire article and comments here.

In the bar, credit cards passed from patron to bartender. Discarded glasses containing half-bitten olives and over-squeezed limes littered the scene. As I forked over $7 for a well whiskey and cola, waves of imminent douchebaggery washed over me. Tonight was my night. I moved toward the back of the room, near the VIP lounge and high-definition televisions.

Elusive and, some say, mythical, the $30,000 millionaire is a creature of legend among the denizens of Dallas nightlife. Used frequently as a term of derision, the $30,000 millionaire is often referenced but rarely captured because it is a master of camouflage: $30,000 millionaires live above their means, usually with the aid of multiple credit cards and sympathetic family units, spending more money than they make on items such as leased luxury cars, designer clothing and $14 drinks.

Local Dallas personality Jay Gormley is also producing, or has been in the process of producing, an independent film on this demographic and lifestyle. His trailer and subjects can be found at 30kmillionaires.com   Biceps and debt: Massive

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It’s not often you come across intelligent humor writing. It’s less frequent to find a sharp witted blog that makes you laugh out loud. Most bloggers attempting to be funny are simply referencing and pointing out ironic or hypocritical situations in popular culture and the news. But to deconstruct something down to the smallest detail and make it satirical not only takes a humorous eye but intelligence as well.

Joe Mathlete has been writing “Marmaduke Explained” for two years. In his blog he takes Brad Anderson’s banal one panel comic and adds his outlook and take on the usually asinine situation. In addition he notes the constant dated and cultural references which stagnate about eight to 20 years behind. If I may respectfully reprint one post - here’s his take on the above comic:

Marmaduke decided to take a nap on the couch that his owner-man was napping on, and as there is room for only one of them, Owner-Man obviously had to go. Owner-Girl pulls out a pop-culture reference seven years past its prime in an attempt to lighten the mood and lessen her father’s embarrassment at once again being on the receiving end of domestic abuse from a house pet.

His summaries, although brief, are as biting as The Onion. And it goes without saying that his take on Marmaduke is far more hilarious than the actual comic itself. He also sells shirts and bumper stickers declaring: “Marmaduke is an Asshole”

Go read it right now at marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com I can promise it will be an excellent way to spend the next hour of your life.

by James Van Dellen

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From the Onion News Network

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I often peruse the site Lifehacker.com   It’s a site devoted to computer tips, tricks, the office environment, gadgetry, health, and collections of articles to make your work and home life more productive.  Sometimes the posts are a tad simplistic, but overall it’s fun to read, and it’s popularity results in many comments and discussions.

A recent topic was “Show us your go-bag,”  in which readers sent in photos of their briefcases, messenger bags, man purses, or other totes.   We see how our online friends organize their stuff, what they carry, and what tech gear they use.  This fun and healthy voyeuristic topic resulted in two more “Show us your go-bags” and a follow up “Show us your desktop.”

However I think we’re straining a bit with today’s “Show us your system tray” post, but hey it’s Friday. So in the same spirit I propose Lifehacker take over my idea of “Show us your keyboard leavin’s.”  

Simply put:  Turn over your keyboard, give it a good two or three “THUNKS” then take a picture of your desk.  We want to see it!  The staples, paperclips, sunflower seeds, donut crumbs, toothpicks, cereal crumbs, and fingernails too. 

I do my best to maintain a tidy and clean workspace, but like most folks when something falls into the deep crevices between R, T, and F, you just move on and forget the expedition to retrieve it.

I’ll start this glorious and disgusting endeavor. Of course my beige desk doesn’t lend well to contrast, so I scraped them onto a blank white paper.   Guess who snacked on Golden Grahams this morning?  Let’s see yours!

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On the subject of Spanish, I came across this irony on the Topix message board. 

This rant, titled “Speak English, YOUR in American Now“ by “JediMasterWendy” of Tuscon (’sup babe, another curz lite?) highlights everything that’s wrong with the uneducated touting unabashed nationalism.

Cultures shift, societies change, industries and populations rise and fall based on economics and global change.  No borders whether physical or political will prevent the drive of people to make a better life for themselves.  I don’t feel threatened by it, nor does it bother me.   Yes immigrants need to documents themselves and follow proper paperwork laws, not only for tax reasons but for THEIR benefit of avoiding mistreatment by employers, landlords, and others in a position to take advantage of them.  But while the Southwest U.S. bitches about Mex’cans takin’ ‘er jobs, midwest cities like Detroit, Cleveland, and other rust belt enclaves have high unemployment, abandoned factories, and hosts of miscellaneous social problems.  We blame immigrants for taking jobs and using our resources, yet we’ve allowed companies to abandoned cities and move THEMSELVES out of the U.S. for THEIR benefit.  We allow it, and lap up the low prices like dogs.

Somehow I don’t think the gardener outside the big mansion I bike pass every day is the biggest threat to the existence of the U.S. 

Whoa careful there Wendy, you almost fell off the barstool.  Isn’t that your 7th one?  Let’s call it a night.  Ok one more round and that’s it.   What’s that?  Jose Cuervo?  Hey you know Cuervo is from…  Ah fuck it.   One for me too!    

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I wrote about Andrew and Joshua earlier this summer. My two favorite, and as far as I’m concerned the two most entertaining bloggers, (love ‘em or hate ‘em,) are currently gallivanting about cheery London in search of things to criticize. I haven’t checked their blog in a while and was delighted to find that Joshua has added many more posts about his early experiences with BF Andrew in HIS new blog, Joshua and Andrew. They should just keep ONE blog with two authors, (hey Caleb you never post,) and it wouldn’t hurt to learn the “more” tag either, but whatever. If you’re new you should spend a few hours, (or as much as you can handle,) reading Andrew’s blog posts, with recent entries about his summer and family’s trip to the lake feeding each other strawberries on checkered picnic tarps.

What makes the escapades of Andrew, Joshua, and family so entertaining aren’t only their “proud provincialism” as of my previous commenters wrote but also that we have no photos and no further knowledge of this family. And who needs it? It would ruin the fun. A few have commented this MUST be parody, but whether the “Van” family is real or not, it simply tickles me that this entire family, (including Joshua who is now completely enveloped in them,) can be so insular in themselves and so certain in their disparaging comments of art, music, culture, cities, and other subjects that fall completely under the realm of “subjective.” All that’s needed to complete these verbal paintings are the “help” scuttling in and out with cakes covered in glass domes. (Hey “Let them eat cake” is right!) They actually do all of their own cooking, as Joshua highlights in one of his “first experiences” posts:

After he had had his bowl of berries, Mr. Van thought he could go for a little melon, too. After Mrs. Van had had her plate of melon, she thought she could go for a bowl of berries, too. After Lizbeth had had her bowl of berries, she thought she could go for a little melon, too. After Alec had had his bowl of banana-nut-honey, he thought he could go for a bowl of berries, too. I, after my bowl of banana-nut-honey, thought I should do some berries, too, just to stay in the swing of things with everyone else. Andrew made himself a berry bowl, too, to eat along with me and Alec as we ate ours.

Lest you worry the exasperating drawn out details aren’t saved exclusively for dining recollections here’s another smarmy exchange:

Before we left the kitchen, Andrew hugged and kissed his mother and said good night, and she hugged and kissed him back. He hugged his father and said good night, and his father hugged him back. He hugged Alec and said good night, and Alec hugged him back and tussled his hair. He hugged and kissed Lizbeth and said good night, and she hugged and kissed him back. What did they do to me as I said good night? I said good night to Andrew’s father, and he put his hand on my shoulder and said ‘Good night, Joshua.” I said good night to Alec and he tussled my hair and said “Good night, pardner”. I said good night to Lizbeth and she pecked me on the cheek and said “Good night. Sleep well.” I said good night to Andrew’s mother and she put her hand on my shoulder and said “Have a good night, Joshua.”

And the funniest observation came via e-mail from another A&J fan. This still makes me laugh out loud: I just can’t believe that on his parents’ recent return from Denver he didn’t make them two stuffed chickens. This family eats more stuffed chickens in a month than I have eaten in my life. At Thanksgiving they must stuff the turkey with stuffed chickens. (more…)

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I’ve been happily exploring Maps For Us today. Do you love maps, charts, and diagrams of, well, everything? Of course you do. And so do I. Who doesn’t like to hunker down at the library on a rainy Saturday afternoon poring through old maps. Now expanding on my thrilling hobby, the site Mapsforus.org maps travel places like coffee houses in Amsterdam, various underground and metro lines, and other cityscape related maps. But what makes them fun in such a dry way is their serious documentation of such obscure charts as “Map of Halcyon Masonic Lodge No. 498 in Cleveland,” or “Neo-Copernican Map of Chronological Cosmology”

Check them out at mapsforus.org. There’s more maps than you can shake a rolled up map at!

Pictured below: “Map of the Evergreen State Fair - Monroe, WA” and “Birding Hotspots of Guatemala”

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Where people of all races, creeds, religions, and sexual preference can live without fear of persecution.  Unless you’re a Republican fed by the monies of the religious right and get caught with another man.  Then giggle tee hee tee hee finger pointing at you.

I swear between Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig (slist), is there going to be ANYONE left to vote or hold up as your right wing leader in ‘08?

And what would be wrong with Larry Craig flat out stating “Hey I have some gay urges.  I shouldn’t have been screwing around in a public restroom.  But it’s me, and I’m not ashamed of liking guys.  It’s between myself and my wife - deal with it” 

Perhaps the only problem with that statement is his history of voting against gay rights. That’s what makes these constant revelations so gleeful to those of us who really don’t care about the personal lives of others - that is until they’re hauled out in front of the media from an escort’s crummy Denver apartment or a Minneapolis airport bathroom.  

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If there’s one thing I don’t know, and have no plans of knowing, it’s babies.  But as I was waiting in line behind 11 other people at my local King Soopers self checkout I glanced up at this product:  The Sassy Baby remote control.   I didn’t give it any immediate thought, except to ponder why the hell it was placed next to the family size Honey Bunches of Oats.  But then the line “developments motor skills” caught my eye.

Huh?  Despite the fact a baby mimicking their parents with a TV remote while watching Judge Judy is just plain laughable in a sad pathetic way, consider if a baby really needs to learn the motor skills involved in changing a remote control channel?  However it’s justified:  according to Sassy Baby’s web site their logic is as follows:

Place remote in front of baby so he can look at the colors and textures.  This will help develop baby’s vision.
Show baby how to grasp the remote and turn it side-to-side.  Baby will see the changing picture lens.  This helps baby develop motor skills.
Demonstrate for baby that when the buttons are pushed, he will hear silly sounds.  This introduces baby to cause and effect.
Take turns pressing the buttons on the remote, you first and then baby.  This will introduce baby to turn-taking

This will be the last baby post ever.  Except pictures of my wonderful eight month old niece Lili, who is so smart and cute she’s probably solving algebra equations by now.

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I was e-mailed the link to Clark and Michael this morning.  Michael Cera is the 19 year old actor who played “George Michael” on Arrested Development.  If you haven’t seen Arrested Development put it in your Netflix que already.  The subtle humor, weighted references, and physical comedy are top notch.  And of course it’s been said over and over this show deserved to continue much longer than the three seasons it aired on FOX.

Michael Cera and Clark Duke have created a series of webisodes documenting their fictitious life of pitching projects and attempting to climb the ladder of Hollywood.  They play the part of many people I’ve met while living in L.A. for five years:  Overly confident screenwriters who are certain their scripts and “projects” merit the highest of attention.  Between meetings with agents they engage in the most mundane of daily activities.  I love the scenes set at the laundromat.

There are 10 episodes so far.  I love the “Perfect Strangers” type opening.  Clark Duke’s cocky attitude combined with Michael Cera’s nervous adolescent appearance and hilarious facial mannerisms make these two a hilarious comedic duo.

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If you’ve never heard Alaska Senator Ted Steven’s “Series of Tubes” rant last year head over to YouTube and search it.  Even though Senator Stevens understands the simple concepts, he explains the logic and chain in a completely incorrect manner - and even though he’s probably a nice guy, his manner of speaking is abrasive and belligerent, akin to your old coot neighbor yelling at you to get off his lawn.

“I just the other day got an internet sent my by staff, but it got tangled up with all the commercial internet things.”

Now The consumerist posted this recent CSPAN audio clip of Ted Stevens inquiring about whether or not his land line can share a phone number for home, internet, and VOIP.  I have no idea who is answering his demanding questions, but I admire his patience.  Especially when Senator Stevens says he wants to ride his motorcycle while using wireless.

“Why shouldn’t I be able to say ah by just a little switch on my phone at home as wire I’m goin’ off the wireless I wanna use this as I ride my motorcycle.”

I hope he’s paying his grandson well to keep his Hewlett Packard in tip-top shape.  Take a listen:  

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Last weekend while Live Earth concerts were promoting conservation and environmental awareness from all corners of the world, the Van’s Warp Tour blew threw Denver, apparently proving that it IS possible to completely fill up a parking lot ravine with garbage.

Alas I was not at the tour as I was meandering through the Denver Museum of Nature and Science seeing the Titanic Artifacts Exhibit.  Although they could have upped the lights a bit -seeing the restored cups, saucers, steamer trunks, manifests, and ship parts that have been haunting the bottom of the ocean for the past 96 years was very interesting, especially considering that in another 100 years the remains of the Titanic will be nothing more than dust.

Kudos to my very talented photographer friend who was working the Warp Tour and managed to escape with his expensive camera gear without being trampled or looted.  And in case you’re wondering he DID check, and the nice lady pictured below was breathing.

I think I would have preferred the Superdome.

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Smoke, fog, and black sweaters! 

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