I created a more relatable poster for my fellow Americans who lack passports or whose bosses won’t let them take a year off work.

I really enjoy Lewis Black’s review on the movie- and the marketing that accompanies it.

If this was New York City it would probably include eight more steps with a hot water thermometer, sanitizing station and a city appointed inspector with bacteria probe.

Courtesy of the Belleview Avenue Starbucks.

Related: Potentially dangerous book return.

He looked baffled – his face had a look of complete bewilderment.

Not sure why anyone would stuff their fist into a book return in the first place, but if they’re trying to steal books I’d think you’d want them to get stuck there. Maybe they should install an emergency call button too.

I’m not going to argue with the elderly, or attempt to force Thai Fusion local cuisine on someone who prefers coffee and quesadillas.

After we settling in I had to put this tower of promotional garbage under the table. I’m all for checking out the specials, but this was lording over our table like the Jolly Green Giant, preventing me from enjoying all of the other crap-tacular kitch scattered about the room.

Here’s just some of what I missed out on.

Giant Free Sangria
Applebees Touch Tunes be my own DJ
Tomato Ketchup. (I kept this)
1/2 Price Aps, not applicable to my visit.
$10 off my next meal. (not applicable, as I wasn’t planning a “Next Meal”

With this savings bonanza I purchased some new boots, which I needed anyway because my vintage mid-90s Koflachs were so worn down the shop guys wouldn’t even mount them. I had some time to kill while they were finishing the tune-up, so I meandered around the fitness section.

I don’t profess to be a personal trainer, but I hit the gym a few times a week. It keeps me energetic, healthy, and with my bike commute (nine miles each way,) its a perfect balance between weight maintenance and cardio.

I get a kick out of fitness infomercials, but never paid attention to how much garbage is available for retail sale too. Much of it is overpriced, and only targets one specific exercise or body part.

What I would and would not purchase. Here we go:

This angry man punching bag sells for $199. Next to it is a standard punching bag for $99. $100 to punch the rubbery form of a human? You can print out a photo of your hated one for free and glue it on – savings of $100. I don’t have anyone in life that I hate, so I would probably print out my latest 401k statement and tack it up.

These medieval looking ab getups (above right) are $199 and $279 respectively. I’ve seen these in dumpsters three months after Christmas. They don’t even look comfortable as camping chairs.

These weights (below left,) are adjustable, and cost $300. They are actually pretty ingenious, as you can swiftly switch and lock between different weights, and they take up far less space than a full rack. However these hexagonal ones are only .50 a pound. And you really only need a group within your range. i.e. I mostly use 25 – 50 lb weights. So I’d have no use for a five or 200 pound weight.

I have no idea what the difference between a “pilates mat” and a regular mat is, except that a pilates mat retails for $26.

These benches (above right) are a good deal. They’re sturdy, simple and perfect for doing upper body exercise, and the $119 one is adjustable for crunches and gives back support while doing arms and shoulders. This one (below left) is even better at $119, which includes a barbell bar. That’s a good deal, and an solid piece of equipment that serves multiple uses.

Not a good deal? Some sort of balance ball (below right) for $119. Doing calve raises on a street curb is free.

Whatever tubular contraption this is (below left) costs $900. Unless you’re just going for sheer bulk you can get a BETTER workout with the bench and free weights. Why? By when using free weights your body is forced to maintain its balance, thus giving a better workout of the targeted area (i.e. shoulders, triceps, etc.) (This isn’t my opinion, it’s repeated all over.)

Ok, so the other gear is actual equipment, even if high priced. But I’m appalled Sports Authority would even sell the “Slendertone” ab shocker. (above right.) This is one of the hilarious devices people wear (in infomercials,) around their house while watering plants or watching TV. They promise rock hard abs without moving a muscle. (Because the jolts of electricity move the muscles for you.) Yeah right.

Speaking of moving, now that it’s snowing today I need to finally get up to the slopes and test out my new skis. And boots, and bindings…

Related posts:
Christmas at Target
Big Americans Pizza

Well, perhaps because of me, or maybe because of the new administration, my most recent mailing featured this nice African American lady.  She’s on the go with her companion and dressed in pristine white pants (just yearning to be smudged and stained,) and a functional beige pocket laden vest.

Good job Magellan’s.  Looks like my online chat session with Ken may have helped too.   So how about some credit?

One other thing though…  This same lady is shown in their online catalog, (wearing pajamas or something,) under “Sun Protection.”  An African American co-worker got a chuckle from that, especially given the pastiness of the rest of their crew.

Comprising the left side of the rack is the usual porny but not extreme hard core magazines like Playboy, Hustler, and other no-name adult oriented rags.  In the middle are qausi adult magazines which brand themselves as something credible.  Typically these are mens’ muscle magazines or motorcycle and auto magazines – but just photos of girls humping cars rather than solid articles on vehicles.   The other third of the display is “real” magazines like GQ, Vanity Fair, and People.   However the selection of reputable magazines, (no offense Easy Rider,) is quite scant.  I’ve studied the magazine rack at 7-Eleven before, but I just don’t remember being that tacky.

Then I noticed yet another one of those cheesy Obama magazines; the ones laughably lauded as “collectors items.”  (Just like the commemorative plates.)  These have been seen since August at checkout stands everywhere, and usually are 35-50 pages of stock footage from Obama’s youth, family, history, and rise to presidency. 

This one, titled “The Dream Fulfilled,” ropes in the civil rights era and Martin Luther King Jr. angle – and how it paved the way for Obama.

The merchandiser of this 7-Eleven placed it at the highest possible visibility, directly in front of the “Black Lingerie Show.” The “Black Lingerie Show” is a magazine dedicated to the oily posteriors of African American females.  This issue is titled “Cabana Lust.” 

Here’s a photo of them side by side.  Although I think it would be more suitable to have Obama next to People or even Good Housekeeping  – I’m not passing judgement on “The Black Lingerie Show,” or the publishers of this insipid Obama photo album.  (Although I suspect of Dr. MLK Jr might have a differing view.) 

Somehow these ridiculous magazines are making money, while established magazines are losing money by the truckloads and shutting down their presses. The mind boggles.

First, I should hope that any contact lens solution would be carry on size. I don’t believe they have or ever will sell contact lens solution in keg size.

Second, I glanced down at the bottom and saw that this bottle is “4 ounces.” Now the TSA is currently in the process of restructuring their liquid carry on restrictions, but as of now and for the past few years its always been UNDER three ounces.

That makes me wonder how a 4 ounce bottle can be “TSA Compliant?”

Alcon’s site has a paragraph lifted from the TSA site stating “if its a medical necessity and over three ounces you MUST (capitalized,) declare it to the screener.

Apparently if you volunteer the fact you have a four ounce bottle, and REQUEST a bag search – then you will be allowed to carry this through. Why on earth would anyone REQUEST an additional screening over ONE ounce?

No one gets into trouble for “not volunteering” their medical supplies. I’m type 1 diabetic who travels with insulin, syringes, and testing supplies. I’ve had my bag inspected many times AFTER getting x-rayed, but I would find it quite “Ned Flanders-ish” to request an inspection in advance. I guess Alcon thinks you should.

The logical solution to this non-issue, and Alcon’s gimmicky marketing: Just throw it in your bag and “carry on” as usual.

by Caleb Cross and James Van Dellen / Denver

In addition to great sounding southern food and a listing of the “Inspiration Station” salad bar rotation, the person recording, (perhaps the chef,) also gives an uplifting aphorism or Bible verse.

How does grilled tilapia with almonds sound?  Or red beans and sausage – maybe southern fried chicken…  Call this number anytime you’re desiring a taste of the south. If anyone is in Shreveport please go visit this place for me.

I made an MP3 of today’s menu:

The sad thing is its really not that big of a pizza; its only about half the size of a tombstone.

(Original Post) Transcript follows:

Please wait for a site operator to respond.

You are now chatting with ‘Ken’

Ken: Hello. How may I assist you?
James: Hi. I received your catalog in the mail and paged through the 60 pages. I’ve also visited your website. In both places I’ve noticed you feature no people of color or ethnic backgrounds other than white.
James: I’m sure its not intentional, but might you consider some diversity [in future publications?]
Ken: Ok
Ken: I’ll forward your comments to our catalog team.
James: Cool. Yeah even the hand and foot models are white. What’s up with that?
James: Especially for a travel company who sells globally.
Ken: Good point.
James: I don’t even know why I got the catalog, but I think I ordered a converter before I went to Amsterdam in March.
–long pause–
James: Anyway yeah that’d be really cool. I’ll let you go – but when does your next catalog come out?
Ken: We’ll have another issue – our Early Fall Catalog – in late August, early September.
James: right on. I’ll watch for it. I’m not a politically correct nutcase – but it would definitely make you look more worldy and urban.
James: Take care Ken!
Ken: You too.
Ken: Thank you for visiting! Please feel free to contact us if you ever have questions.

Chat session has ended.

An already oversize pretzel somehow managed to sprout a cinnamon roll in the center. In case there is any doubt as to what exactly this culinary Frankenstein is they’ve provided a label to overcome your disbelief and ensure you that yes, this really is a cinnamon roll inside of a pretzel.

It kind of reminds me of those grapefruit size brain tumors people have removed.

Only you pay to put this inside of your body…

Late last night I brought my mom to the airport, and since toting a couple carry ons and still being on the mend from a recent ankle break I requested a pass in order to accompany her to the gate.*

As I was collecting my wallet, phone, and shoes, I noticed this sticker on my X-ray bin. 

Does this even require explaining as to why its so utterly hilarious?  Well, despite the fact that there are many some TSA officials who act in a courteous and professional manner; the position of “TSA Officer” is without doubt one of the least respected positions in our country.  Why on earth would a kid aspire to be a TSA screener? Its kind of like making a “Junior Telemarketer” or “Future Repo-Man” sticker.

I asked a screener if I could have a few stickers for my backpack, but unfortunately he didn’t know where they were located. 

On the way home this sticker got me thinking:  Somewhere, someplace, a TSA screener has spoken at their child’s elementary school “career day.”   If you’re reading this and have a video of that please send it to me.  It has to exist somewhere. 

Also where did the budget for this come from?  I don’t really care if my tax dollars helped pay for these $4.99 printer stickers, but I’m simply curious if this is nationwide, or a lone Denver based official had this cute but ridiculous idea.

p.s.  *Here’s the great thing about going through security with a gate pass.  Since you’re not flying anywhere it puts you in the rare situation where you can actually observe and question TSA practices without fear of them retaliating against you by detainment or performing unneeded additional seraches!   I suggest more people accompany their mothers airside – and take lots of pictures and notes too.

He had my email from way back when and recently asked if I’d help out on his latest prank!   Of course I would.  

Rob created some irreverent yes subtle signs for the outdoor sheds of Lowes and Home Depot.  These sheds already have plenty of signage regarding dimensions, insulation, and other boring stuff – so a few signs like “Great for Performing Secret Weddings” and “Escape From Your Wife.”   are sure to be noticed by a keen eye, but subtle enough to remain up for a while.

Check out all the photos from various cities – including my work at a Denver Home Depot.

Lest anyone think Rob is only devoted to funny signs and car tipping you should check out his investigations on Herbalife and Kirby Vacuums.